How to Handle Criticism. Confidence Strategies for Introverts Who Want to Lead With Boldness

Do you struggle with knowing how to handle criticism without letting it take over your mind?

Maybe one person said something harsh, and even though other people encouraged you, that one comment stayed with you.

In this episode, we’re talking about how to handle criticism without giving every negative voice a seat at the table. We’re reflecting on chapter 18 of The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman, called Don’t Give Your Critic Words, and looking at how to decide which voices deserve our attention and which ones need to be released.

Criticism is tricky because not all critics are the same.

In this episode, I talk about why we can hear a thousand kind words and still focus on the one negative thing someone said.

Why does that happen?

Why do we replay the hurtful words?

Why do we rehearse our defensive response?

Why do we let one person’s opinion have so much power over our hearts?

For many of us, the issue is not just the criticism itself.

The issue is our confidence.

Our identity.

The way we see ourselves.

When we are not rooted in who we are, critical words can shake us more deeply than they should.

They can make us question our value, our work, our calling, and our ability to keep going.

But when we are rooted in God, we can learn to listen differently.

This episode is especially for the introvert, dreamer, creator, or purpose-driven person who feels deeply affected by the words of others.

Maybe you are building something.

Maybe you are using your voice in a new way.

Maybe you are trying to step out in faith, but the fear of being judged keeps pulling you back.

I want you to know this: not every opinion deserves your energy.

Not every critic deserves your response.

Not every negative word deserves space in your heart.

Sometimes the next right thing is to draw a line in the sand and decide what you will believe.

You may not be able to stop people from speaking.

You may not be able to go back and change what someone said.

But you can decide whether those words get to shape your identity.

You can decide whose voice gets to lead.

And you can ask Jesus to help you catch yourself when you start repeating negative words that were never rooted in truth.

Learning how to handle criticism is not about becoming hard or unbothered.

It is about becoming rooted.

It is about knowing who you are.

It is about trusting God’s voice more than the voice of the critic.

Send me an email and tell me: what critical voice do you need to stop giving power to?

Share this episode with a friend who needs encouragement after harsh words.

Thanks for being here! If you'd like to support the show, please visit buymeacoffee.com/remiroy to give a one-time or monthly gift. 

And if you can’t give financially right now? A rating, a review, or simply sharing the show with a friend goes such a long way.

Thank you for being here. I see you. I appreciate you.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

A thousand people may say something really amazing to you. They may compliment you, encourage you, or celebrate something you just did or accomplished. But somehow you have eyes, ears, and heart for that one person who said something mean to you. Why do we do that? Why do we pay so much attention to the negative things and ignore the things that are meant to build us up? I mean, having you seen this happen, someone posts something online, they get so many positive comments, but the one person who calls them ugly or says something rude or mean becomes the person they want to respond to. That's the person they think about. And I wonder why. The way I can describe it is that we seem to be attracted to the negative. It gets on us, it grabs our emotions, and this connects to a concept Emily P. Freeman brings up in chapter 18 of the book The Next Right Thing. This chapter is called Don't Give Your Critic Words. Let's get into it. Do you sense that God is calling you to step out and do something new, but you're held back by fear and uncertainty? Do you struggle with believing that you can do great things because of your quiet, reserved, and introverted nature? Welcome here. I'm Remy Roy, your host and founder of Sheepact.com. I'm an author, an entrepreneur, a creative, and a committed tryer. I'm here to help you get unstuck and make progress on your God idea. Let's go. Alright, so what is a critic? What does it mean to be a critic and who is a critic? Merriam Webster defines critic in a few ways. One definition is someone who engages often professionally in the analysis, evaluation, or appreciation of art or artistic performance. That's not exactly the definition we're looking for here. Another definition is someone who expresses a reasoned opinion on any matter, especially involving a judgment of its value, truth, righteousness, beauty, or technique. That one's closer. A critic expresses an opinion that involves judgment about the value of something. So it could be your work, it could be your choices, it could even feel like your value as a person. Another definition of critic is someone who gives harsh or critical judgment. And that is the kind of critic we need to be careful with. Not every critic is bad, not every correction is harmful, and not every opinion should be thrown away. But we do need to define the kind of critic we're talking about today, and that's very important. So Emily talks about a story in this book where she had an interaction with an Uber driver, and she had lots of stories, Hilaria stories, and then she mentions something about one time when she had someone in her car, but then she stops herself and says, Well, we're not going to give her words because that's what she would want. And Emily was impressed by that. And I think that's truly, truly remarkable. This is a position where you could open your mouth and say something about a situation where somebody hurts you with their very critical or mean words. And months later, weeks later, years later, you are rehashing that same situation, and you might still feel that pinch of that negativity. But then what if you choose to not do that? What if you choose to say, no, I'm not gonna talk about that? That's fine. Right? And she says, we're not gonna give her words because that's what she would want. I love that. I love that. I love that concept. Emily says that the critic only leads if we let her lead. So if she had gone into that conversation talking about what the person said and how it hurt her and all of that, she would be letting that person, even though they're not there, lead that conversation. So she says the critic only leads if we let her lead. But I don't mean the critic who is helpful or who has your best interest at heart, because those are very useful. This is not someone in your group, this is not one of your mentors, this is the spiteful one, the person who said mean things like way back when, maybe the one who now lives in your head. That time has passed, and that person may not even be around anymore. But somehow you still carry that voice in your head. But the only voice that critic can have in your life is now yours. It's your voice. Critics do not own our lives, they do not get to sit in the place of final judgment over our decisions, our work, or our calling. That is not their place. So the question is, what is that person, whoever is um maybe a critic in your life right now, and you're trying to decide is this someone I should listen to? What do they know about you? If you are criticized by someone who protects you, believes in you, and has your best interest at heart, and you know and you feel that, you are more likely to listen. Like, okay, let me, I know I don't understand, but let me try and understand what you're saying. You can weigh their words and their opinions in the light of what you know about them. You know who they are, you know they care, you know they believe in you, you know they want what is best for you. But if the person offering judgment about your work, your life, or anything you were doing is a stranger, especially on the internet, what do they deserve from you? Nothing. They should not get space in your head, they should not get authority over your heart, and that is so important. But not all critics are created equal. Emily says the critic is a tricky companion because not all of them are created equal. Just because someone is critical does not automatically mean you should ignore them and call them a hater. But it also does not automatically mean they are right. So, how do you find the balance? How do you find the balance between the kind of critique that is coming from someone who may not be saying it the way you expect it, but it is well intentioned, or a criticism that sounds strong but is not actually right. We learn a lot from critic, from correction, from critical thinking, from direction. But the trouble comes when we allow all critical voices to weigh the same amount. When it comes to making decisions, you have to learn to trust your own heart in the presence of God and you have to be careful who you allow into your life. People always don't have to agree with you, but the critics to most seriously consider are the ones coming from those who believe in you. So if someone who I trust comes to me and says, Remy, I think you're making a mistake in the way that you're doing this or that, maybe this project you're working on, or your life, or your marriage, or your health, I am more apt to listen to them because I know that in the past they have shown me that they believe in me. They have shown me that they care for me. So even though what they're saying at that momentum may sting, I'm more likely to really consider what they're trying to say. I don't have to necessarily agree with them, but I will consider it. So why do we give strangers who have no, you know, full context on our lives so much power? So I mentioned the stranger on the internet who calls you a bad name or says something mean, but somehow those are the voices we give the most power. Those are the voices we keep thinking about, those are the words that hit us the hardest. And you know how it is, you rehash that word over and over and over again. They said it to me, they said this to me, they said this to me, and you're thinking about it, turning it over in your mind. So maybe the issue is not only critique, maybe the issue is the state of our heart, our confidence, our identity. Because if you are not rooted and grounded in who you are, critical words can confuse you. They can make you feel less than, they can make you feel like you're not enough. So part of the work of making sure critics do not upset our balance is really constantly going back to where our identity comes from, where our confidence comes from. I've shared before on this podcast that I used to be painfully shy. I experienced a lot of social anxiety and a lack of confidence. So it was definitely jarring when people said things to me that felt harsh. But the more I have grown as a person, the more I have tapped into what makes me me, the more I've embraced my personality, my joy, my passion, and my life, the less I'm rattled by words and thoughts and opinions that should not carry much weight in the first place. So go back to your identity. As we navigate our lives, as we navigate decisions around our work, our passions and dreams, we will be exposed to different opinions. It comes with the territory. People will have things to say. Some of those things may be helpful, some may not be, but the deeper we are rooted in our identity, the stronger we become. Maybe you're thinking right now about a particular critical voice in your life. Maybe you remember the words exactly. Maybe you remember how it felt when that person said those things to you. Well, your next right thing in this moment is to return to the truth. You may not be able to stop that person from thinking what they think. You cannot go back into the past and change what they said, but why does it still have power? So it's time to take that voice away. It's time to take the mic away from that voice. It's time to trust that you were created with purpose. And as you go about your father's business, you will be well. One of the things I find very important is at some point learning to draw a line in the sand. Emily says in the book that when the critic points out your weaknesses or your fear, if you're paying attention, you will also point out something else. A gift you would not have asked for, a motivation he never meant to give. And the gift the critic brings, whether we like it or not, is a line in the sand. When somebody criticizes you or like critical words like come to you, you have to decide, do you believe those words? And that's one of the most powerful things we can do, to decide. Do I believe this or not? Do I accept this or not? Draw a line in the sign, decide what gets to affect you, decide what you believe, decide what you do not believe, decide what you hold on to, decide what you release. The critic can force us to face our biggest fears and listen hard for the voice of God. I don't know about you, but for me, when I am dealing with very difficult situations where maybe I'm dealing with words, maybe my own fears, my own limitations, self-imposed limitations, or the words that people have generally said to me that hurt me, that's when I really, really want to dig into God. Like, what is this, God? What do you say about me? What do I need to hold on to here? And how can I just focus on the good in the situation? So these kinds of situations can force us to go deeper into our identity so we become more confident, bolder, more sure, more certain. So we can do our work instead of hiding, so we can move on instead of getting defensive, so we can be free instead of giving the critic more words. I believe in the power of life-giving words. I believe in the holy resurrection. I believe nothing can separate us from God. So if you are someone who is deeply affected by the words of others, if you're someone who lets critical words, mean words, and judgmental words sit too long in your heart and mind, this is my encouragement for you. Go deep in figuring out who you are. Go deep in your confidence, go deep in speaking over yourself, words that reflect the truth about you. The more you do that, the less time, energy, and focus you will give to the critic. All right. Emily has a practice in this chapter. She says, when it comes to making decisions, combating decision fatigue, and learning to trust God with your heart, you have to be careful who you allow in. And this might be hard because for most of us, the critic's voice in our head is so familiar that we barely realize what it's doing to us. So pay attention to where you may be giving your critic words, whether it's a real critic or an imagined one, ask the Lord to help you catch yourself in the act of repeating that negative phrase, that negative thought. Remember, you have everything you need in God. So don't let negative words take your joy away. All right, here's what I want you to think about. The next time somebody says something that wounds you, the next time somebody tries to pull you into a defensive posture where you're trying to say, um, no, that's not true, or whatever, maybe that moment is an opportunity, an opportunity for you to dig deep, to build your confidence, to remember your identity in God, to choose whose voice gets to lead your life and to draw a line and the sand. So today we've been talking about what it means to not let negative and critical words affect your balance. We talk about the fact that not all critics are created equal. Some critic is helpful, some correction is needed, some people have earned the right to speak into our lives, but not every voice deserves the same weight. Not every opinion deserves a seat at your table. So the work here is learning to know the difference, learning to listen to the words that actually matter, that are wise, loving, and rooted in truth, and learning to release the voices that only want to wound, distract you, or make you forget who you really are. All right. I would love to hear from you. If this resonated with you or encouraged you in any way, send me an email at thedrivenintrovert at shepack.com. Thank you so much for listening to this one, and I'll see you in the next one.

unknown 14:46

Bye.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoy this conversation, please take a moment to follow or subscribe to the podcast. I'd also love your feedback on this episode. You can scroll down on your app and click write a review. I'd love to read your takeaways from this conversation. As always, don't forget to take courage, trust God, and go pursue your big ideas. See you next time. The Dreven Introvert is produced by Sheepack.com and Remy Roy. Want to ask a question or share a comment in a future episode? Click on the link in the show notes to record your question in a voicemail.