How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty? Find a No Mentor. Communication Strategies for Introverts.

Do you struggle with knowing how to say no without feeling guilty?

Maybe you’ve said yes to something, then immediately felt that heavy feeling in your stomach because you knew you didn’t really have the time, energy, or desire to do it.

In this episode, I’m talking about how to say no in a way that honors your life, your people, your peace, and the work God has placed in your hands. We’re continuing the conversation from the last episode on what it means to choose your absence and turning our attention to chapter 17 of The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman, where she talks about finding a “no mentor.”

A no mentor is someone who can help you make wise decisions when you already know something should probably be a no, but you don’t quite have the confidence to say it yet. This is the person who reminds you of what you value, what you have time for, what season you’re in, and what you truly want to give your energy to.

Because the truth is, saying no is not always easy.

Sometimes we say yes because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

Sometimes we say yes because we want to seem agreeable.

Sometimes we say yes because we feel responsible for everything and everyone.

And sometimes we say yes because the opportunity looks good, even though deep down we know it does not align with where we are going.

But when we keep saying yes to things that do not belong, our calendar gets full, our hearts get heavy, and we lose the space we need for the things that truly matter.

In this episode, I share why information is not always enough. We can read the books, listen to the advice, and understand that we need better boundaries, but when the moment comes, we still need the courage to act. We need to move from knowing to doing.

I also share why my sister has been a no mentor for me, especially when I need help making decisions around relationships and personal connections I want to preserve. Some decisions require wisdom, care, and a trusted voice that can help us see clearly.

We talk about what kind of person makes a good no mentor. Someone whose values align with yours. Someone who has context for your life. Someone who understands the underbelly of your choice. Someone who respects you but is not so impressed by you that they cannot tell you the truth.

This episode is especially for the introvert who feels overwhelmed by obligations, expectations, and opportunities that may be good but are not right for this season.

Here’s the question I want you to sit with:

Do you have the time, space, and energy to pursue the life, dreams, and calling God has placed in your heart while still carrying all the things you’ve already said yes to?

If the answer is no, I hope this episode gives you the courage to pause, reflect, and choose what truly matters.

Learning how to say no is not about being selfish.

It is about stewardship.

It is about protecting your peace.

It is about honoring your limits.

And it is about making room for the life God is inviting you to live.

Send me an email and tell me: do you have a no mentor in your life?

Share this episode with a friend who struggles with saying no.

Leave a review and let me know what stood out to you from this conversation.

Thanks for being here! If you'd like to support the show, please visit buymeacoffee.com/remiroy to give a one-time or monthly gift. 

And if you can’t give financially right now? A rating, a review, or simply sharing the show with a friend goes such a long way.

Thank you for being here. I see you. I appreciate you.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Have you ever said yes to something somebody asked you to do? And immediately it felt like a heavy storm in the middle of your stomach? Or maybe you started to hyperventilate just thinking about what would be required for you to actually meet that obligation because you just said yes. If you've ever felt this way, this one's for you. Sometimes we stretch ourselves beyond what we really want to do. We fail to keep the boundaries we already decided on. We don't want to hurt people's feelings, we want to seem agreeable, so we take on more than we should. We say yes to things we probably should have said no to. And sometimes, in order to remain true to your life, to your people, and to your own calling, you need to turn down what others might call great opportunities and choose your absence from them. In the last episode, we talked about what it means to choose your absence. We talked about what it means to say no to something that may be a great opportunity, but does not align with where you are going. Today we're gonna talk about how to actually get better at saying no confidently and without guilt. Without feeling responsible for everything, without feeling responsible for others' feelings. Today we're gonna talk about chapter 17 of the book The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman. This chapter is called Find a No Mentor. Let's get into it. You're listening to the Driven Introvert Podcast, the place to be for dreamers, doers, and entrepreneurs who are ready to birth the dreams, callings, and ideas the Lord has placed in their hearts. Do you sense that God is calling you to step out and do something new, but you're held back by fear and uncertainty? Do you struggle with believing that you can do great things because of your quiet, reserved, and introverted nature? Welcome here. I'm Remy Roy, your host and founder of ShePact.com. I'm an author, an entrepreneur, a creative, and a committed trier. I'm here to help you get on stock and make progress on your God idea. Let's go. So let's talk about why this matters. I mentioned in the last episode that I'm somebody who makes decisions pretty fast. And honestly, I'm pretty confident when I make decisions most of the time. So when I was reading this chapter, I didn't feel quite connected to it at first. It didn't immediately resonate because I had never thought of needing a no mentor, right? But then I realized that this may not be entirely true. There are some decisions that I struggle with. There are some decisions where I feel like I need someone to help me think through it, especially when it has to do with relationships, when it has to do with personal connections that I want to preserve, when I want to be careful, when I want to be wise in a way that I respond to things. So yes, I do have a no mentor, and it just so happens to be my sister. So let's look at why. Information is not always enough. Sometimes we read books, we hear advice telling us to do things in certain ways. But when we find ourselves at the point of needing to do that very thing, we don't always know exactly how to do it. So we have a lot of information, but we are not always equipped to turn that information into action. So when you know that you've decided to streamline your life, when you want to pay attention to the things that matter, when you do not want to spend your energy on things that don't move your life forward, that means sometimes things will have to get off your calendar, off your schedule, and out of your life. You're gonna have to say no to some things you might want to say yes to, not because they're bad, but because they don't matter for where you're going. And that's why this conversation is very important. We need to learn how to move from thought and information to actual action. We need to be able to say no in the moment without guilt. So, what is a no mentor? Emily talks about the fact that in this book that her sister is her no mentor. Her sister is the person she calls when she has a tough decision to make, especially when she's leaning toward no, but doesn't have the confidence to throw all her weight into it. She says her sister will be there to remind her of what she values, what she's about, what she has time for, and what she truly wants to do. So she sees this no mentor as a special kind of person. So while a regular mentor will help you make decisions and give, or will help you maybe not make decisions, but just give you the a fuller picture from their perspective, right? So they can help you with decisions, they can give valuable advice, a no mentor comes in with a stronger filter from the beginning. Most likely this person helps you choose your absence from the things you already know it should be a no, but it's hard for you to admit. So, what makes someone a no-mentor for you? Right? I think one important thing is a no-mentor, and like Emily says in the book, a no mentor should be someone who makes decisions the way you want to make them, in the area where you need help. Just like having a mentor, a no-mentor should be someone you look up to, someone whose ideas and values align with yours. For instance, if you want to get better at dressing, which is something that I feel like I definitely need, right? You want to dress in a way that fits you, in a way that fits your body, you should probably take advice from someone whose style you already admire. Like, not someone with questionable style, someone who dresses well, someone whose clothes fit their body, someone who, you know, their style just makes sense for them. You wouldn't want to take advice from someone who has questionable judgment in the very area where you need support. So when you're looking for someone to support you in decision making, you are essentially looking for someone who has those values and traits in their own life. You're not looking for someone who is always overbooked, who is always horried and has no peace. No, you want someone who is confident in the decisions they're making in their own life and it shows they're grounded, they're centered, you admire the way they have their things put together, someone who moves with clarity, someone who can help you get clarity in your decision making, right? In a way other people may not be able to do. That's what you're looking for. Right? So it's important to look at this from different lens. I am currently working on a project in the podcasting space. And if you've been listening, you already know that. A few weeks ago, I hit a point where I was confused about a particular thing and how to make it work. I knew I needed someone to help me think through it. So I reached out to someone else in the podcasting space who has a platform and is really successful. And I'm so glad that this person had the time to answer my questions because it was very helpful. It was a very helpful step for me to take. I don't know this person on a very personal level, and we've become connected mainly because of our shared work in the podcasting space. So I'm just using this example to explain how important it is to choose someone who knows a little about what you're asking about, someone who knows what you're about, the thing that you're talking about, that you're maybe a little confused about, they can give you context, someone who has perspective and context for what you need help with. So, in this book, in this chapter, Emily says her sister is also an author. So when Emily has questions around things that have to do with her profession, she's able to lean on her sister because she knows what it's about. A no mentor should be someone you can trust with the underbelly of your choice. I love the way she says this, the underbelly of your choice. Because every choice has an on the belly. Whether it's a season of life, a particular opportunity, or a current argument you're having with someone or whatever, a no-mentor needs to know the whole story so that they can see it from different perspectives. So whenever you're choosing someone to speak into your life and help you decide what things should stay and what things should go, it will be helpful if this person has more context into your life. So you need to be vulnerable. You need to be able to explain where you are and what you need help with so they have all the information and context they need to support you. That way, the advice they give you is coming from a place of true knowledge of what you're dealing with. This is crucial. I've talked before on this podcast about how to actually let people into your life so you don't do life alone. No, none of us can do life alone. At different stages of our lives, we need people to speak into our lives, to support us, to help us, and we need to be that for other people. So this is one way to think about that. So definitely it's important to be vulnerable. I've been in situations where because I'm a very private person, I don't always feel comfortable telling people everything. So sometimes I ask for advice and they give advice based on their own experience. But that's all they can do. Without the added context of what I'm struggling with, that advice is not complete. It may work, but it may not fully fit. So it is very important that we learn to be open, especially when we need other people for advice, for help and support. So are you open to being vulnerable with the people around you who can actually help you move forward, who can pull you up? It's important to be vulnerable with people who love us and who are for us. And with time, you're gonna need discernment and wisdom to know who actually loves you and who actually is for you. That's the story for another day. But if you are an introvert and you find it difficult to share your struggles or where you are, I want you to look at it this way. You want your life to be better in some capacity. You want your life to be more full, you know, more creative, more exciting. That desire should outweigh any reservations you have about trusting other people with your thoughts, with your mind, with your past, and with your story. Let the people you reach out to know what you need so they can provide the support that you actually need. I know that for introverts, this can be hard. For some introverts, not all, this can be hard, but it's important. Vulnerability just is important when you're trying to move forward in life. So, another kind of person you need as a non-mentor, apart from somebody who uh has like the values and the traits that you're looking for, is somebody who respects you but isn't impressed by you. I love this one. Emily says that this is tricky, and I think it's so true, because according to the relationship that she uh explains with her sister, she says her sister is a perfect picture of this person for her. Her sister respects her and loves her and you know has a best interest in mind, but she isn't impressed by her in the sense that, you know, Emily can do no wrong, or like, you know how some people just kind of are not able to tell you the truth because they think you're so great? You don't need that kind of person as your no mentor. You need somebody who can look you square in the eye and tell you when you're wrong, and tell you when you're overthinking things, and tell you when you are not um respecting the boundaries that you have set for yourself. So you may already have someone in your life that you can talk to, someone who can steer you in a more confident direction whenever you have a big decision to make, and this is always helpful. But you can also be a no mentor for someone else. If you don't have this, you can be that person in someone else's life. You can be a no-manor. You can have a more objective view of issues and situations that don't directly involve you. Use that to your advantage. When someone comes to you with a question, a problem, a tough decision, take a step back. Ask them lots of questions, listen to their answers, listen to what they say, how they feel, listen to their tone, look at their eyes. All of this will help you as you support other people. And I love the way Emily lays this out in the book. Stand up for people in the way they may need to stand up for themselves. And the truth is, as you do this for others, you may begin to see the value of having that same kind of support in your own life. Sometimes we are the put together, the most put-together person in our friend group. So we feel like we we we essentially have to carry everyone. But the truth is you also need someone you can talk to, you need someone you can um lean on. So this is important. All right, here's a practical thought for you. If you are an introvert who is overwhelmed by all the things that is required of you and all the things you've committed to, I want you to take a step back. Imagine the life that you really want. Imagine the dreams that you have, imagine the things that you really want in your life, then ask yourself, do you have the time, the space, and the energy to do those things alongside all the other things you've said yes to that don't move you in that direction? Ask yourself, do I have the time? Do I have the space? Do I have the energy to do the things that I've said yes to, but don't move me in that direction? That I really want to go. If the answer is no, I hope you find the cards. I hope you find the confidence to say no to the things that don't belong in your life. So, today we've been talking about making the decision to say no confidently, without guilt and without shame. And I know some of us struggle with this, but it's very important. If you are going to take control of your life and the direction it's going, you need to be able to do this. And how to find someone to help us in this very crucial area of life. Sometimes we have to say no so we can be happy, so we can be content with the people and the work God has given us, so we can preserve our energy. And you have things God has called you to. You know it. Even if you're not doing them right now, even if you're afraid to do them, you know the things that you feel like I should be doing this, I'm equipped for this, I have what it takes to do this. But you're not able to do it because of all the other things. So preserving our energy is very important. And this requires that we're able to say, I'm sorry, but I'm not available to do that. A no mentor is someone who helps you choose your absence from the things you already know should be a no for you. A good no mentor is someone whose values align with yours. Very important. Someone who has context on your life, someone you can trust with the underbelly of your choice. Maybe let me dig a little bit into the underbelly. Every choice has consequences, every choice has ramifications, and you have to be prepared for it. Sometimes a good choice might have somewhat um initially negative consequences, or that just bring a little bit of negativity into your life. So, for instance, when you start to say no to things you really should say no to, um, some people might feel hurt. Some people might be like, you've changed. You know, maybe you've always been available for them to do this or that, but now you're choosing differently. They might be upset with you. Right? So there will be consequences and ramifications of that choice. And sometimes you will be tempted to go back to those um things you used to do because you don't want to hurt people and you don't want them to think you you are not nice or you are not, or you've changed or whatever. But a no-mentor can help you stick to your decisions, but find ways to let people know that peace can still reign in that relationship while you choose what moves your life forward. Very important. So also, a no-mentor should be someone who respects you, but is not so impressed by you that it can tell you the truth. All right. So I'm curious, what has your experience been? Do you find yourself saying yes to a lot of things you probably should say no to? Do you find yourself feeling guilty or maybe even ashamed that someone will be disappointed in you if you don't show up the way they want you to or the way you've always showed up? How have you dealt with that? Do you have a no mentor in your life? Someone who can help you say no to things you need to say no to. I would love to hear about it. Email me and let's chat about it. All right. This is chapter 17 of the book, The Next Right Thing, by Emily P. Freeman. I have loved the series so far. And every um chapter has a practice. So this is the practice for this chapter. Emily Writes and I quote, reflect on a time in your life when you said yes to something and later realize it was perhaps not a wise yes. What was the situation surrounding that yes? Did anyone encourage or discourage you in that decision? What was the outcome? Then think of a time when you said a brave no to what many might consider a great opportunity. What was the situation surrounding that no? Did anyone encourage or discourage you in that decision? And what was the outcome? I would love to hear from you. If any of this resonates, send me an email at thedrivenintrovert at cheapout.com. I really do read every message and I would love to hear from you. Thanks for listening to this one. I'll see you in the next one.

unknown 17:29

Bye.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoy this conversation, please take a moment to follow or subscribe to the podcast. I'd also love your feedback on this episode. You can scroll down on your app and click write a review. I'd love to read your takeaways from this conversation. As always, don't forget to take courage, trust God, and go pursue your big ideas. See you next time. The Driven Introvert is produced by Sheepack.com and Remy Roy. Want to ask a question or share a comment in a future episode? Click on the link in the show notes to record your question in a voicemail.